Ask people what they fear the most and many of them will say, “speaking in public.” In surveys which ask people about their fears, about one person in five reports an extreme fear of public speaking.

Shyness and other forms of social anxiety are common – and they prevent people from fully experiencing life. Shyness refers to a tendency to withdraw from people, particularly people who are unfamiliar. Everyone has some degree of shyness. In fact a person without any shyness at all is probably one who does not make good judgments about maintaining appropriate boundaries between people. A bit of shyness is a good thing. But when a high level of shyness prevents a person from engaging in normal social interactions, from functioning well at work, or from developing intimate relationships, it presents a problem – which, fortunately, can be alleviated.

Shyness is one form of the broader term, social anxiety. This concept, also known as social phobia, refers to a special kind of anxiety that people feel when they are around other people. It is associated with concerns about being scrutinized. Shyness and social anxiety are closely related, but social anxiety includes other situations such as speaking in public, taking tests, sports performance, and dating. Closely related to the concepts of shyness and social anxiety are embarrassment and shame. Embarrassment is what a person feels when something unexpected happens and draws unwanted attention (such as knocking over a glass of water in a restaurant). This creates a temporary feeling of discomfort. Shame, on the other hand, is more long-lasting. Shame is a feeling that comes from being disappointed in oneself.

Who are the people most likely to suffer from social anxiety? Parents recognize that some children are easily frightened from birth on and cry a great deal, while others seem more resilient by temperament (they seldom cry, hardly ever get upset, and are less easily frightened). Some children love to explore the world around them, and others are cautious and don’t tolerate change well. Children who are inhibited are more likely to have a parent with social anxiety disorder. An anxious person is more likely to have a parent or sibling who suffers from depression. Many people with social anxiety disorder report having one or both parents who have a substance abuse problem such as drinking or come from a family in which:

        1.) there is substantial conflict between the adults,
        2.) parents are overly critical of the children (where things are never good enough), and
        3.) there is excessive concern about what other people think.

National surveys find that about five percent of children and adolescents suffer from a social anxiety disorder. Children with an anxiety problem seldom report that they are feeling anxious. Instead, they report the presence of physical symptoms, which include: headaches, stomach aches, nausea, rapid heartbeat, dry mouth, blushing, dizziness, and shortness of breath. They try to avoid the following situations: speaking in class, taking tests, reading aloud, writing on the board, inviting friends over to play, eating in front of others, going to parties, and playing sports. Children and adolescents with social anxiety disorder may go on to develop related problems, such as loneliness, depression, and low self-esteem. Although some children will overcome their shyness in time, as interactions with others cause their fears to dissipate, others will experience a worsening of symptoms. If a child shows symptoms by the age of six that have not improved by the age of ten, it is probably time to seek a professional intervention.

Develop Your Conversational Skills

Anyone can master the art of having good conversations with others. Those who are shy or socially anxious may see this as an unattainable goal, but with enough practice, and using the right techniques, it can enhance the quality of social life.

The first skill to acquire is making eye contact. Shy people may avoid eye contact at all costs, but this perpetuates self-focus and anxiety. When you are listening to someone else, maintain steady eye contact with that person. If you are doing the talking, vary your eye contact – that is, have eye contact about half the time, and then look away for a few seconds. (Note, however, that different cultures have different rules for eye contact.) Also understand the value of smiling, which is a nonverbal cue that you are approachable and interested in talking to the other person.

Learn the value of good listening. The other half of conversation, and it is perhaps as important as talking, is playing the role of listener. Allow other people to complete their thoughts. Encourage the other person to talk by maintaining good eye contact, using gestures such nodding your head in agreement, and making supportive comments or asking brief questions.

People who are shy frequently say that they cannot go up to another person to start a conversation. This represents avoidance. Start out by initiating as many brief interactions throughout the day as possible. Smile and say hello when you pass someone. Tell the postal worker or grocery checkout person to have a good day. Make a comment in the elevator, such as, “Isn’t this perhaps the slowest elevator in the world?” Before long, making the initial contact will seem easy.

Finally, learn the value of small talk. Many shy people say that they don’t want to waste their time on trivial talk – or they also say they don’t know what to talk to other people about. It is important to understand, however, that people need the small talk before moving onto heavier topics. Small talk can comprise anything from commenting on the weather to griping about the price of housing. In order to avoid conflict, however, it is best to dodge talking about religion or politics – at least initially.